7) Fall in a water hazard
As all golfers know, this game has a habit of kicking you when you?re down and never so much as when it comes to water hazards. Not only do they swallow your shots, but they then tempt you to retrieve your ball. You know you should leave well alone, but the lure of a nearly-new ball is too much. What ensues is all too predictable. Remember, ?guaranteed 100% waterproof shoes? only live up to their billing if you don?t immerse them fully.
8) Play a whole round with one club
Usually the sort of thing that?s undertaken in a beery haze after a liquid lunch, playing an entire 18 holes with a single club is an enlightening experience. Not only will you play quicker as you no longer agonise like a tour player over the merits of a ?hard 6-iron or an easy five?, but you?ll also learn the mythical art of ?shotmaking? as you have to get your one club to do the job of 14. Choose your weapon wisely though. The driver might see you miles up the fairway ahead of your 7-iron-wielding partner, but remember not even Seve could conjure it up and down from a greenside bunker with one.
9) Win a golf trophy
We?re not talking about scooping a green jacket or a claret jug here, but rather a tacky plastic golfing figure mounted on an MDF plinth or a flimsy silver-plated cup.
It could be the club championship or the society wooden spoon but, whatever your prize, the one thing you can be assured of is the moment you stride triumphantly through the door with the trophy, your other half will vow ?that thing goes on the mantelpiece over my dead body?.
10) Get your other half to ?caddy? for you
Many a golfer?s mind has worked thus. Ladies enjoy romantic walks in the countryside, golf involves walking among pretty green stuff. Let?s combine the two and everyone will be happy. The reality is, however, nothing like your utopian image as you reveal your hitherto hidden Roy Keane-esque temper and shock her with a torrent of swearing and she gets cold standing in the chill wind
as you line up every putt from four sides.
11) Break a golf club
Sometimes this game gets too much for even the most mild mannered of us. It could have been a topped tee shot that fails to inch past the ladies tee, a fluffed chip or, most commonly, the missed tiddler. But there you are ? your face going puce with rage, steam coming out of your ears and a primeval urge to inflict real harm on something. At this point you have two options. Calm down and get on with repairing your round, or take matters personally and destroy a club. Go on, you know it makes sense.
12) Card a hole in one
Aces come in all shapes and sizes. No one really cares whether yours was a crisply struck 4-iron or a thinned seven, the number that goes down is the same ?
a glorious ?1?. It?s a majestic moment to be dined out on for ages to come, but just remember there?s a bar bill to be picked up.