Golfers who take their game seriously can have numerous characteristics that translate terribly into relationships, so here are a few of our favourite reasons why you should never date a golfer

You might be surprised to learn that last year the most popular post on the Golf Monthly website was not Rory McIlroy’s tips on how to win or Jordan Spieth’s putitng secrets, or even the revealing of the much talked about TaylorMade M1 driver or Titleist’s stunning new 716 irons, but actually an altogether different story on 14 reasons they’re lucky to date a golfer.

We feel that being the impartial media brand we are, and after how much success that piece had, it is only right to now argue the other side.

So here, with our tongue planted firmly in cheek, we present the common bad habits that make up our 11 reasons you should never date a golfer.

Be honest: do any of these sound familiar?

1 – Golfers don’t have much free time

Between mid-week fault fixing on the range, Saturday practice rounds and Sunday competitions, golfers can be pretty busy, which doesn’t leave much time for a blossoming love life or those little romantic gestures you desire.

2 – Golfers constantly talk about golf

“What do you mean, you’ve never heard of Phil Mickelson?” Gushing over that shot out the pine needles at Augusta is not going to win many hearts, and neither is stepping out the door every day and assessing the weather in terminology that means absolutely nothing to a non-golfer…. “Yes I think that’s a 3-club wind, no point in a brolly!”

3 – Golfers constantly think about golf

While you might think they’re giving you their undivided attention over an endearing rom-com with that ginger one from Sean of the Dead, or the one who was awesome in True Detective, they’ve actually just been thinking about ways to finally fix their slice so they can start driving it like Rory.

4 – Golfers value routines

Great rounds of golf are built on good pre-shot routines and consistency, after all, it’s no good undoing the hard work of a birdie with a double bogey at the next. Unfortunately, this means the chance of a golfer surprising you with a spontaneous romantic gesture are about as slim as David Beckham asking you out to dinner.

5 – Golfers buy expensive stuff and lie about its price

“Oh this? Oh, I just got it second hand, less than £50”. Sound familiar? That’s probably because you’ve pulled this one hundreds of times with a new dress or bag and got away with it, shame on you!

6 – Golfers aren’t fashionable or cool

While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look smart, how many polo shirt-knitwear combos does one person really need? And let’s not even discuss the post round hat hair and golfer’s tan… A cool car can save anyone though right? Well, if it has a tiny boot then it’s not for us. Enough said.

Never date a golfer

Ant and Dec showcasing some typical golf fashion

7 – You can’t take a golfer on a romantic walk

What’s merely an interesting landscape to you is the amateur golf architect’s dream. Give a golfer just a moment to daydream and they’ll be off picturing the perfect par 3 or risk-reward par 5.

8 – Golfers disappear for six hours at a time

Golf Clubs are often signal black holes, convenient for when they’ve said they’ll be home an hour ago and there’s no sign of them. It means for six hours they won’t return your calls or text messages, but keep an eye out for their PB scorecard pic appearing on Twitter.

9 – Golfers like to hoard

Golfers are natural hoarders. Who knows when they’ll fall out of love with that new putter and need to come crawling back to old faithful in the shed. That set of old irons? They’re perfect for when our non-golfing mates fancy a game in the summer.

Related: 12 Best Putters 2016

10 – Golfers like to be tucked up in bed on a Saturday night

While we’ve all tried to play hungover, we know that to perform our best in the Sunday medal we need to be rested and alert, so no thanks, we won’t be joining you and your friends tonight.

11 – Golfers are a washing machine’s worst nightmare!

Whether it’s forgotten ball markers, discarded scorecards or broken golf tees, golfers are an accident waiting to happen when it comes to the weekend wash.