1.02pm, the first round is finally complete. Ironic applause in the media center (sic). Half a day lost. As the Mamas and Papas said: “Monday, Monday…” No idea what’s going on here. Can’t work out the new tee times.

Confused by two-tee starts. Sleep deprived by jet lag. Coach sick from 75-minute commutes. Dizzy from 14-hour days. Itching from mosquito bites. Hobbling form twisted ankles trying to walk around this beautifully Pete Dyeabolical parkland links. Shivering from air-conditioning system in media center (sic again) powered by eight fighter jet engines. Sweating from 80-degree heat outside. Taking comfort in free ice creams in the media dining room. They are the size of house bricks and called ‘Giant’, presumably because that’s going to be the size of my belly by the end of the championship, whenever that may be.

Last time I looked, Matt Kuchar was leading at -5. Just looked again and Seung Yul Noh had caught him. Can he win? Noh. Top European was Spanish law firm Gonzalo Fernadez-Castano, just one shot off the lead. Watney has just made it three at the top. Watney used to be a cheap beer, now it’s a Nick.

DA Points is chasing. What the heck does DA stand for? Don’t Ask? Molder is on the leaderboard, too. Didn’t he used to be in the X-Files? Time for lunch. Might have another ice cream – pudding of Champions and Giants.

More USPGA Championship:

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Whistling

Straits hole by hole course guide

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Championship news

Pictures

from the 92nd PGA Championship