Top 5 US Open Things

1. The Biblical weather: the end of the world (if not the tournament) is nigh

It’s like Glastonbury out here. Without the wacky baccy and singers that can’t sing (oh help me; I’m starting to sound like my father). All the WAGS are sporting natty wellies and umbrellas are selling at a rate of 600 every two hours. If the wind gets up on Sunday, the skyline over Bethpage could look like a Mary Poppins convention.

2. Best comeback winner: David (remember him?)  Duval

Not a sniff of a win since the 2001 Open Championship and has missed eight cuts from 13 events this year with a best finish of tied 55th. He threw his hat on the floor on the driving range on Monday – and missed. Apparently. But Duval has ditched his six-pack for his old five-bellies look again and he’s swinging better than the Glenn Miller Orchestra. “I’d really like for my wife and family to see how I can actually play this game. They haven’t seen me at my best.”

Ice cream in the media center (sic): 200g of melting Heaven

They’re called Giant and, by golly, they ain’t no 99 Cornet. They are sort of like a choc-ice – only it’s like a slap of vanilla ice cream slammed between to bourbon-type biscuits. “Vanilla Ice Cream Sandwich,” is says on the yellow wrapper. Not so much a sandwich; more a house brick. I’m, averaging two a  day and building quite an impressive conservatory around my waist.

4.New favourite player that I’ve never heard of: Azuma (who he?) Yano
The 31-year-old from Gunma (I don’t know where it is, either) has got his name on the leaderboard and he can’t stop smiling through the rain at Bethpage (memo to Tiger: see, it can be done). “It’s my first time to play at the US Open. I didn’t expect anything. My luck is coming out. I think I have a big chance to be the first Asian winner.” Like the song says: If you don’t have a dream, how do you hope to have a dream come true?

5.Top Brit with wife expecting baby: Ross Fisher

Came runner-up to Paul Casey at the BMW PGA Championship last month and treated himself to a Lamborghini. Two under par after two rounds at Bethpage leaves him primed to lead the home charge on Sunday. Here’s a snippet from his post-round chat (note to Mrs Fisher: you might want to look away now).

Q. Your wife still pregnant?
A. Yeah. We have four weeks to go – meant to be Tuesday of Turnberry.
Q. What if you got the call now – what would you do?
A. Next question! I don’t know – that would be a tough one

Er, that’s probably the wrong answers, young man. Suggest you buy something expensive and shiny at JFK on Monday. Or get a bunch of flowers from a garage on your way home. Unless, of course Mrs Fisher is already at the hospital.